Yes, I am talking about a miscarriage here. It happened about four months ago. I sound so matter of fact. Right this minute I am. At the time it rocked me to the very core. Then it did again a few months ago when I got my first period. Now I think I have really come to terms and can finally write about it I guess.
It happened on a Tuesday night. Asa and I were driving home from work and I was feeling quite nauseous. I happened to be relieved about this because I hadn't been feeling very sick. The lack of nausea concerned me as since I found myself in the world of pregnancy and babies with Pascal I understood that nausea was a good sign. So yes, finally the 'morning sickness' had kicked in. In fact I hadn't found out I was pregnant with Pascal until the eighth or ninth week when I started to feel really sick and since I was in my ninth week with this pregnancy, I was right on track!
When we got home I went to the toilet to 'drop the kids off' (to do a shit a'right!).
I looked down at the toilet paper (as you do) and there was a pink smear. I felt sick and shaky - I can't remember whether I felt like crying. I do remember a great lump of dread in my gut and my mouth becoming quite dry. There was also a part of me thinking that everything was fine. Wasn't it? And look at that. A second wipe - no pink smear.
I went online to check out what everyone had to say on the topic. Unfortunately that wasn't a good idea. I thought there would be lots of reassuring links saying that spotting was heaps more common than anyone thought. Instead I went to a link on miscarriages (der...of course). My dread turned to shaky, dizzy, sweaty squeamishness. I went and lay on the bed and we called Nurse On Call. The nurse I got was reassuring..maybe I had strained too hard? Had a few grapes down there that I didn't know about? But I was worried. Dry mouth, heart palpating worried. I put everything at the back of my mind and went about my night. I started to feel positive. I kept wiping myself with toilet paper to prove to myself everything was fine. And it was, for now...
The next morning I felt great. I went to the toilet and no pink stuff! It must have been me bum! Woopee! Unfortunately the rejoicing over hemorrhoids was shortlived when I felt that familiar dischargy feeling. There was the pink stuff again, only this time it was more plum coloured..and there was more of it.
We (Me, Asa and P) went to emergency and stayed there all day. That's at least a three page spread so I'll put it into bullet points:
- It was Wednesday April 3. The windiest day in Melbourne. Ever.
- The hospital I was in lost power just as I was about to go in for my ultrasound.
- I was trapped upstairs in the fetal monitoring section (in almost complete darkness). Pascal and Asa were downstairs. The emergency procedure of the hospital meant we had to stay on the floor we were on 'until further notice'.
- After about an hour I eventually just asked if I could go downstairs and they let me go.
- The nurse at emergency admissions asked me to stay so they could at least do an ETG (that contraption which monitors the fetal heartbeat). We stayed but after about another hour of waiting they said we could book to go in for a scan the next day.
- I was sooo tired an emotional.
- We start walking to the car and Asa starts doubling over. He's sweating. I got so angry - This was my fucking drama ok!
- We got in the car and drove straight back to emergency. (Ok, we were at the Mercy Women's hospital which is right next door to a regular hospital, The Austin) We go back to Austin emergency.
- Asa parks car (although feeling like he is almost having heart attack he insisted on driving) and runs inside. I sit in the passenger seat and just bawl. I'm so tired. I just want to go home.
- Get out of car with Pascal (who is remarkably chipper). Asa is on the floor of the emergency room with hospital staff gathered around. Pascal says 'Is Asa dead?' I kind of laugh/cry. As they wheel Asa into the hospital, the nurse says 'he'll be fine'. She winks and it looks like she's almost trying not to stifle a little chuckle. I'm not offended, in fact, I take this as a positive sign.
- Asa is absolutely fine but has to be monitored for EIGHT HOURS. Although I'm unaware of this malarkey at the time.
- The power is back on and I go back across the way to The Mercy to see whether I can get my ultrasound now that all the other outpatients have left. I can go straight up.
- They can't detect much when they do the ultrasound on my belly so they have to do an internal. What's this? A huge dildo! The sonographer is about 5o something, lovely and has probably weilds this thing 20 times a year. doesn't matter. Still a bit embarrassing.
- Sonographer gets a young good looking man doctor - he seems like a wanker as he acts like I don't know what I'm talking about when I say I definitely know 'my dates' but in retrospect I think he was just trying to remain positive. I think I just thought he was a wanker as he was a doctor, young and good looking.
- It doesn't look good. I can't see anything that resembles a baby on the screen. They are both not willing to say it is an 'unviable' pregnancy. There is still hope.
But not really, because honestly, I really know my dates.
- Go back to see how Asa is doing. Still am unaware that he is waiting out eight hours. Was thinking it's probably only another hour or two.
- Disorderly Orderly takes a shine to Pascal and goes to find a 'present'. Oh horrors of horrors, it's a surgical glove blown up with a happy face drawn on it with texta. I have a balloon phobia and am in no state to deal with this. Am a bundle of nerves around it.
- Take Pascal back into where Asa is and ask him to covertly pop the sinister balloon head. He does and Pascal cries that three/four year old hearbreaking waaaah. My poor little love has been such a good boy all day. It absolutely breaks my heart.
- By this time we have been waiting for Asa for at least two hours. Am FINALLY told he has to be monitored for eight hours so this means he can't leave til midnight! What the Fuck? We got to the hospital at 11am. Didn't even ask why they didn't tell us that before. Am just so totally shagged I don't care.
- We agree that after SEVEN hours spent at The Mercy Pascal and I would go home. Although thoroughly tiring, boring and emotional, it's not as harrowing as it sounds. The waiting area is nice with nice big TV. Also Pascal was big hit with the emergency midwives. It's nice having your kid complimented in any situation I guess is what I'm saying.
- However, as soon as I hear midnight, Pascal and I skedaddle outta there.
- Was very tearful but sooooo good to be back home on this strange, strange day.
- Couldn't sleep til Asa got home (by taxi). He denies it's panic attack but I still think it was.
- How did my past tense revert to present? why? when?
Can't be bothered to go back and edit, will pretend I meant it.
To be continued....