Hoping I have a bun in the oven

We are trying for a brother/sister for Pascal. Infact, I am hoping that right now, inside my uterus, there are some cells turning into a zygote. A healthy zygote. Unlike the last one which decided to abort itself.

Yes, I am talking about a miscarriage here. It happened about four months ago. I sound so matter of fact. Right this minute I am. At the time it rocked me to the very core. Then it did again a few months ago when I got my first period. Now I think I have really come to terms and can finally write about it I guess.

It happened on a Tuesday night. Asa and I were driving home from work and I was feeling quite nauseous. I happened to be relieved about this because I hadn't been feeling very sick. The lack of nausea concerned me as since I found myself in the world of pregnancy and babies with Pascal I understood that nausea was a good sign. So yes, finally the 'morning sickness' had kicked in. In fact I hadn't found out I was pregnant with Pascal until the eighth or ninth week when I started to feel really sick and since I was in my ninth week with this pregnancy, I was right on track!

When we got home I went to the toilet to 'drop the kids off' (to do a shit a'right!).
I looked down at the toilet paper (as you do) and there was a pink smear. I felt sick and shaky - I can't remember whether I felt like crying. I do remember a great lump of dread in my gut and my mouth becoming quite dry. There was also a part of me thinking that everything was fine. Wasn't it? And look at that. A second wipe - no pink smear.

I went online to check out what everyone had to say on the topic. Unfortunately that wasn't a good idea. I thought there would be lots of reassuring links saying that spotting was heaps more common than anyone thought. Instead I went to a link on miscarriages (der...of course). My dread turned to shaky, dizzy, sweaty squeamishness. I went and lay on the bed and we called Nurse On Call. The nurse I got was reassuring..maybe I had strained too hard? Had a few grapes down there that I didn't know about? But I was worried. Dry mouth, heart palpating worried. I put everything at the back of my mind and went about my night. I started to feel positive. I kept wiping myself with toilet paper to prove to myself everything was fine. And it was, for now...

The next morning I felt great. I went to the toilet and no pink stuff! It must have been me bum! Woopee! Unfortunately the rejoicing over hemorrhoids was shortlived when I felt that familiar dischargy feeling. There was the pink stuff again, only this time it was more plum coloured..and there was more of it.

We (Me, Asa and P) went to emergency and stayed there all day. That's at least a three page spread so I'll put it into bullet points:

• It was Wednesday April 3. The windiest day in Melbourne. Ever.
• The hospital I was in lost power just as I was about to go in for my ultrasound.
• I was trapped upstairs in the fetal monitoring section (in almost complete darkness). Pascal and Asa were downstairs. The emergency procedure of the hospital meant we had to stay on the floor we were on 'until further notice'.
• After about an hour I eventually just asked if I could go downstairs and they let me go.
• The nurse at emergency admissions asked me to stay so they could at least do an ETG (that contraption which monitors the fetal heartbeat). We stayed but after about another hour of waiting they said we could book to go in for a scan the next day.
• I was sooo tired an emotional.
• We start walking to the car and Asa starts doubling over. He's sweating. I got so angry - This was my fucking drama ok!
• We got in the car and drove straight back to emergency. (Ok, we were at the Mercy Women's hospital which is right next door to a regular hospital, The Austin) We go back to Austin emergency.
• Asa parks car (although feeling like he is almost having heart attack he insisted on driving) and runs inside. I sit in the passenger seat and just bawl. I'm so tired. I just want to go home.
• Get out of car with Pascal (who is remarkably chipper). Asa is on the floor of the emergency room with hospital staff gathered around. Pascal says 'Is Asa dead?' I kind of laugh/cry. As they wheel Asa into the hospital, the nurse says 'he'll be fine'. She winks and it looks like she's almost trying not to stifle a little chuckle. I'm not offended, in fact, I take this as a positive sign.
• Asa is absolutely fine but has to be monitored for EIGHT HOURS. Although I'm unaware of this malarkey at the time.
• The power is back on and I go back across the way to The Mercy to see whether I can get my ultrasound now that all the other outpatients have left. I can go straight up.
• They can't detect much when they do the ultrasound on my belly so they have to do an internal. What's this? A huge dildo! The sonographer is about 5o something, lovely and has probably weilds this thing 20 times a year. doesn't matter. Still a bit embarrassing.
• Sonographer gets a young good looking man doctor - he seems like a wanker as he acts like I don't know what I'm talking about when I say I definitely know 'my dates' but in retrospect I think he was just trying to remain positive. I think I just thought he was a wanker as he was a doctor, young and good looking.
• It doesn't look good. I can't see anything that resembles a baby on the screen. They are both not willing to say it is an 'unviable' pregnancy. There is still hope.
  
  But not really, because honestly, I really know my dates.

• Go back to see how Asa is doing. Still am unaware that he is waiting out eight hours. Was thinking it's probably only another hour or two.
• Disorderly Orderly takes a shine to Pascal and goes to find a 'present'. Oh horrors of horrors, it's a surgical glove blown up with a happy face drawn on it with texta. I have a balloon phobia and am in no state to deal with this. Am a bundle of nerves around it.
• Take Pascal back into where Asa is and ask him to covertly pop the sinister balloon head. He does and Pascal cries that three/four year old hearbreaking waaaah. My poor little love has been such a good boy all day. It absolutely breaks my heart.
• By this time we have been waiting for Asa for at least two hours. Am FINALLY told he has to be monitored for eight hours so this means he can't leave til midnight! What the Fuck? We got to the hospital at 11am. Didn't even ask why they didn't tell us that before. Am just so totally shagged I don't care.
• We agree that after SEVEN hours spent at The Mercy Pascal and I would go home. Although thoroughly tiring, boring and emotional, it's not as harrowing as it sounds. The waiting area is nice with nice big TV. Also Pascal was big hit with the emergency midwives. It's nice having your kid complimented in any situation I guess is what I'm saying.
• However, as soon as I hear midnight, Pascal and I skedaddle outta there.
• Was very tearful but sooooo good to be back home on this strange, strange day.
• Couldn't sleep til Asa got home (by taxi). He denies it's panic attack but I still think it was.
• How did my past tense revert to present? why? when?

Can't be bothered to go back and edit, will pretend I meant it.

To be continued....

Crushes inspired by dreams

I've never been partial to white eyebrows but there is something about Farmer Nick.



"That's Wealthy Wine Maker Nick, if you don't mind, thanks"

Actually, by getting this little 'thing' out in the open I have to wonder if I have forestalled one of those crush dreams. You know the ones where you dream about someone and wake up really liking them. Sometimes they are just lovely and romantic but other's are full blown dirty sex. Sometimes they are grossly shudderingly inappropriate and you feel like a slapper and other times you feel like you're on cloud nine.* All warm and tingly and full of lerve...

I remember the first time I had one of these dreams. I was about thirteen and it involved the Rock Steady Crew.



Just one of them. Although looking at this blast from the past, I honestly can't remember who the lucky guy was. I will hazard a guess and say the third from the right.


Here are few others

*I can't wait til I can think up my own methaphors.

I will kill a chicken and get the meat

Today was my Wednesday with Pascal and it was a good un'! Sometimes it's not so good. I feel bad when this happens. This is my one day where I am a stay at home mum so I should cherish every morsel shouldn't I? These bad days tend be the result of lining too many things up for the day. That is the Cause and the Effect is Asa finding me at 6pm rocking in a corner...

no it's never that bad, but things don't go right on a bad day. Things, such as doing a load of washing and then forgetting that it's all squashed up in the tub until it starts raining; talking about nothing for ages on the phone where meanwhile Pascal is going mental in the background and all of a sudden it's midday and I've missed the 'cheap' petrol; Opening the door to an electricity company representative who has come to the area out of concern we are paying too much on our bills and out of the goodness of his heart can offer a deal where we are 5% better off and Tilly (the most annoying jack russell terrier in the WORLD) takes her opportunity to dart down to the neighbours house to terrorize their guinea pig...and then I miss the 'cheap' petrol.

Stuff like that.

Well, today was a good one. The skies were blue and we travelled to a Shoe Sale on the posh side of town and I scored a great pair of boots for $50!!! I still hadn't got my cheap petrol yet as I was keeping an eye out for a Shell Station because of my 4 cents off a litre docket (woohoo!). Luckily I came to my senses* as I waited at a red light near a BP. I made a last minute turn and whaddaya know - as I left the station with a tank full of $1.59 petrol, the guy came out with The long hook and a dreaded number 6.



A Rumpelstiltskin tantrum narrowly
avoided...phew!

I decided to stay in the posh area. The posh area being THE posh area of Melbourne. We're talking Toorak, Armadale and Malvern daaarling! Actually, that reminds me. Pascal asked me where we were when we were crawling down High St, Armadale (I've never not crawled down High Street or Glenferrie Road - it's so congested there) and I put on this really loud Mrs Slocombe voice "Why High Strreet Armadale, Daaarling!"

I didn't realise I had the window right down. I don't think anyone from the street or other cars heard but I figured if they did, I would have sounded pretty normal.

We ended up in Glenferrie Road Malvern and I went to Coles. I swear Today Tonight are right and the richies get the better fresh produce. You should have seen the apples gleaming brightly and the perfect bananas. As usual Pascal stopped near the roast chickens and started his dead animal question r'epertoire. It starts with "what's that?" "A chicken" "what was the chicken? was it a hen?" "Yes Pascal, it was a hen" "is it dead?" "umm...yes" "did somebody kill it? why is it killed?"...I honestly can't even remember what I answered this time. Sometimes (if I'm tired) I just go "oh er..yeah, look at that over there." Sometimes I just end up telling him the cold hard truth - so we can cook and eat it. He also loves going to the meat section and looking at the 'dead animals' too.

A friend suggested he was going to be a vegetarian but I'm actually worried he might become a Dexter of some kind. He has talked about killing meat animals. Should I be worried?


We come in peace

*ie realising that looking for Shell station to save me two dollars on an eighty-plus dollar petrol bill as the clock was ticking dangerously past midday was too pathetic for words

We did a play called Save Our Earth and I was the methane gas*

My my. Another day of Morning pages and another night of blogging. Things are going well aren't they.

I've been feeling pretty hormonal lately. I mentioned my week of turning 38 angst yesterday and it was pretty bad this morning. For some reason I got suddenly teary about the no-shows who didn't come to my birthday party. MWAAAAHAAAHAHA.

I will usually try and deny it but I have to admit I'm very sensitive to this kind of thing.

This year I shared the birthday party with a friend who is in and out of the country at the moment. We share a bunch of friends, these guys came and my closest friends came too which all lead to the night being a really nice one..I have really, really good friends - totally lucked out in that department so I hope what I am about to whinge about doesn't detract from the warm fuzzies I have about these friends.




"We will always love you!"

It started with the niggling feeling the next day (aided and abettored by one mother of a hangover) - Why didn't blah blah even email me back? What was so important (or the better offer) that blah piked at the last minute and couldn't tell me why? I had a brief Monday respite from these feelings of rejection but today - yep today, there were actual tears.

It's just that I feel so insignificant. My invite fell on deaf ears and the silence was deafening. How else can I take it? I wasn't even worth a response. And my invite was really funny! It had two old ladies smoking cigars and I spent all night on it due to my nuffy photoshop skills. I was ignored!

BUT but (I hasten to add) it is my hormones playing havoc. I've been through the wringer with them but I'll save that for another post. I should also say a big sorry for all the times I've let people down and made them feel the way I'm feelin' now..

I really hope my posts get better, funnier, more interesting, deep, witty, articulate, eloquent, smarter, succinct...less nuffy!

This is a really shit post.

More shit to come! Seeya tomorrow!

* Quoted from the article What kind of adult will Gen Z be? Sunday Life 13 July 2008

Fockity Fock

Wow, I never thought I would be such a prolific blogger. Outstanding work! Outstanding!

No, I promised I wouldn't be too hard on myself but it is very confronting seeing my first post and feeling like it was just a week ago I turned 37 and thought this is it! I'm sick of sitting on my arse (I mean that more figuratively but that's not to say I don't do a lot of sitting on my arse literally), I'm going to get this blog happening and who knows what will happen!

and now...now I'm 38! I can't believe how anxious that makes me. In the words of a nervous farmer Mick before his potentials drove up in tonight's episode of Farmer Wants a Wife - 'Ok, breaving. Remember to breave'.

Another thing I promised myself is that I wouldn't devote this post to ranting about me not writing. I am going to do what any blogger would do and write about something that happened to me today. As if I have approximately 364 posts behind me...and an audience! Who leave comments. wow weee

So what happened today? What happened that bears mentioning?

Well before I left work I went to the toilet to do wee wees. There was a distinct smell of fresh poo but I wasn't prepared for the HUGE line of poo down the toilet bowl. So I hurried out of that toilet and went to the second one (there are two cubicles). What makes this embarrassing is that of course someone went in after I had finished AND after the cistern in the toilet I used had finished filling up. This of course means that, to her, it could have been any of the two toilets I used and frankly if the players were reversed I would be very suspicious and since the smell was so warm I would be inclined to think the worst. Unfortunately it wasn't a situation where I was comfortable enough to plead my innocence. So there you have it, my colleague most likely thinks I'm totally disgusting.

A totally disgusting 38 year old.

Which makes me put it out there... who would leave a mud spatter like that? I just don't get it. I'm not ashamed to say my poo has left it's mark on toilet bowls in the past but I always brush it off with the toilet brush. I just don't get why you wouldn't..

I'm so glad I'm back to blogging. I promise you I will think of something better to talk about tomorrow. That's right, TOMORROW! I am going to post everyday now.

Oh, by the way...I don't think I won the Women's Weekly Writing competition...